Your Wedding Your Way

“Parents in the Planning” by Michael Caldwell, Partnership Center of Vermont

Tom and Carolyn’s parents fit the bill for “best in the universe” – until the engagement. They’d dated for years. They knew and liked each other’s parents. And both sets of parents seemed to genuinely like the fact that they were together. So they felt blind-sided by the difficulties after they announced their engagement.

Carolyn’s dad was a great guy in a lot of ways, and extended himself to Tom in a way that made him feel included in the family. But Carolyn was his only daughter. He wanted to walk her down the aisle and “give her away” in the traditional way at the wedding, which is when tensions surfaced.
In college, Carolyn’s consciousness was unalterably raised by feminist teachers. She loved her father. But she saw the traditional beginning to a wedding as tied to a time when women were property to be transferred. She knew her father didn’t see her as property, but she thought the ritual was archaic. In consultation with Tom and the wedding coach, the decision was made to walk the processional together as a couple, with the wedding party preceding them – mirroring the recessional. It was different, and they liked the difference it made, and the independence it implied.

When Carolyn’s dad balked, they talked to the wedding coach. He suggested a new custom, now seen in many contemporary ceremonies, to be intentionally inclusive of all the parents. After the declaration of intent and before the vows would come “Pledges of Support.” In this moment, the officiant asks a question.

“Will the parents of the bride and groom please stand… Will you give your love, support, encouragement, and blessing to them as they are married today? If so, please say “we will.” “We will!”

Tom was especially interested in this variation because it meant his parents could participate as well in such an affirmation. It also meant, since his parents were both divorced and remarried, that his step-parents could be included as well.

The coach was precise in suggesting how to approach it. He strongly urged them both to sit down with Carolyn’s father and mother, saying in advance that they needed to talk about wedding details in general. They could start with some of the other logistics to break the ice, then, together, with Carolyn taking the lead, talk about the new element of the ceremony that they decided to do. She would announce confidently what she and Tom would do…

“I love you Daddy. I know we’re doing this differently than you would prefer. One of the reasons we’re doing it is to include Mom, and also Tom’s folks. We love you no less. We want your blessing.”

With Tom included in this exchange, and Carolyn’s mother also there, there was a balance and a responsible confronting of a difficult issue. The good thing was, when the meeting took place, they portrayed their maturity in a way that Carolyn’s parents could see and appreciate.

What also went on in that moment between the lines is that Carolyn and Tom also established their own family, cutting the cord from family of origin so that their new family could thrive, like a re-potted plant no longer root-bound. They loved their families no less in getting married. But with this fine-tuning, they clearly stated their autonomy and their maturity as a new family unit.

Rev. Dr. Michael Caldwell (whose parishioners call “Rev Michael”) runs the Partnership Center of Vermont (www.coachingcenterofvt.com) from his home in North Wolcott, VT. Along with his ministry in New England’s Congregational tradition, he coaches couples preparing for marriage, and officiates ceremonies all over Vermont, indoors or outside.

Read "Money, Sex and Power" by Michael Caldwell, online, from the Spring 2010 issue of Vermont Bride

Contact Michael for a free consultation at 802-888-5811

michael.caldwell.75 - AT - alum.dartmouth.org

Website: www.coachingcenterofvt.com

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